My Season of Change
I hear You, Yah!
There were plenty of times I felt like screaming this on the rooftop of my mother’s house.
“How much more do I need to go through to learn my own value?”
Oh mercy, if only I could shake myself and knock some sense into that girl. Ultimately, I don’t regret my relationships since my divorce. Mostly because I know that if I hadn’t gone through those, I wouldn’t have the patience, self-respect, and self-love I have now. Those relationships also made my faith in God even more substantial. Knowing He will not bring me into something not meant for me.
What I’ve learned
There is such a thing as “Spiritual Vampires.” I’ve also heard this term called “Energy Vampires.” From my experience, these are people who are not mentally capable of being happy with themselves. They seek to get validation from others and feed off of their energy to satisfy the loneliness that lies within themselves.
“Maybe if I show him the love he deserves, he will stop his behavior.”
“Maybe if I pray with and over him, he will feel how loved he is.”
“Maybe if I help him with this or that, he will see how much I love him, and it will give him a sense of security. He will finally trust me. “
“Maybe if I can make him realize I will be here for him no matter what, he will want to do better for himself.”
“Maybe if I sacrifice my own mental well-being, he will see how patient I am, and it will encourage him to make changes.”
This thinking cost me. Mentally, spiritually, and even financially. I went through these hard lessons, and quite honestly, I feel like I needed to go through them.
One lesson I learned from my marriage – is never to keep my relationship issues to myself. I need to vent. I need to seek guidance when I don’t know what to do, no matter how embarrassing the situation is. My sisters, mom, and best friends all gave me sound advice. They all told me to dump the guy — you could do so much better, Sarah.
At the core of it, at those times, though, I also longed to be loved and wanted. I wore my rose-colored glasses and was committed to the person I was with. I overlooked the insecurities, the lack of motivation, the depression; the list goes on and on. The person I chose to be with ultimately did nothing for me. I poured into their cups while leaving mine drained.
My Season of Change
After finally having enough in my last relationship, I just simply didn’t feel the intense heartbreak when that ended. On the other hand, I felt a sense of peace within myself. I felt like the 20-pound mentally heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I could breathe! I could laugh at jokes; I could smile at a stranger; I could tell the waiter to have a nice day – all without the guilt of feeling like I needed to subdue my kindness to appease the insecure person I was with.
I could take a step back and process what went wrong, what I should have done sooner and what I was putting up with.
I always pray before entering a new relationship – friendly or intimate. In that prayer, I ask God for His discernment and to shut the doors of the paths that are not meant for me. I ask for His favor and protection. He knows my heart, what betrayals I’ve felt; He knows what my intentions are and what I am seeking in a companion. Ultimately, I ask if this isn’t the union I’m meant to be in to ease the pain when it comes to an end. That is why my faith in my God is stronger than before. These relationships have fortified my trust in God. How can I regret them?
It’s been a long time coming, but I feel like I’ve entered a new season of life. One with happiness, blessings, and peace. One with an intolerance for anything less than what I will bring. My cup won’t be drained again for another. I can only hope and pray that my son will grow to see how his mama learned to be happy with herself.
